EXTRA! EXTRA! MENACE MERCHANDISE FLOODS MARKET!
 
Ladies and gentlemen, hold onto your wallets and lock up your children! The Daily Bugle brings you yet another exposé on the OUTRAGEOUS marketing ploy threatening our fair city. As if that wall-crawling menace Spider-Man wasn't enough, now they're peddling toys of his villainous cohorts!
 
"Electro" Action Figure: A Shocking Disgrace! What do we have here? A 6-inch plastic monument to mayhem, courtesy of Hasbro! They call her "Electro," folks - some floozy named Francine Frye who's apparently stolen the powers of a real supervillain. As if we needed more electric-powered maniacs running amok in New York! This so-called "action figure" is nothing more than a gateway toy to turn your innocent tykes into pint-sized super-criminals.
 
With "fully articulated" limbs, they claim. Ha! More like fully capable of wreaking havoc on your home's electrical system! And get this - it comes with "attachable power FX." Power effects? More like a how-to guide for aspiring delinquents! Mark my words, citizens, this is just another ploy to glorify the chaos that masked vigilantes bring to our streets.
 
The "Specifications" (Or Should I Say, Rap Sheet?)
- UPC: 05010996282729 (Probably a code for their secret villain society)
- Company: Hasbro (Clearly in cahoots with the costumed crowd)
- Theme: Spider-Man (As if we needed more of him)
- Product Type: "Action" Figures (More like INaction figures, collecting dust and corrupting minds)
- Character: Spider-Man (The root of all this merchandise madness)
- Collection: Marvel Legends (Legendary troublemakers, more like it)
- Age: 4+ (Starting them young on the path to villainy)
- Country of Origin: China (Exporting more chaos to our shores)
 
A Call to Arms, Citizens! Wake up, New York! While you're busy "reimagining comics-inspired scenes on your shelf," real menaces are plotting their next attack on our city! Instead of wasting your hard-earned money on this 6-inch harbinger of doom, why not invest in a subscription to the Daily Bugle? At least then you'll be informed about the real threats facing our city!
 
Remember our award-winning headline: "Spider-Man: Threat or Menace?" Well, now we can add "Merchandise Madness" to that list! This is J. Jonah Jameson signing off, and remember - the only action figure you need is a statue of yours truly, keeping a watchful eye on your household! Buy Daily Bugle Subscription Now!